It’s been over a year and a half since i started going by Gabby. And sometimes I think it was such a stupid thing to do, and I consider dropping it—- but then I recall what it was like to be “Brie”.
A year and a half later and the only people who really call me Gabby are people who have met me in the time since I’ve started going by it. And then they are quite confused when they see/hear others refer to me as “Brie”. There are a few exceptions, but for the most part, my friends and family disregard it. Their excuse? “You’ve been Brie all the time I’ve known you. So that’s just who you are to me.”
I feel like this is such a silly & trivial thing to be upset about, and Lord knows I have bigger fish to fry right now, but it’s irking me at the moment. Like, I feel like I’m stuck between two identities. And I do not want to identify with the person that I associate being ‘Brie’ with any longer. Let me tell you why…
Brie didn’t pick her name, as most people don’t get to pick their own nicknames, and grew up surrounded by people who were always confused because they thought her name was Brianna (or some variation thereof). As a child, Brie was abused and molested by her biological father. As a teen, Brie was constantly getting the back of the hand for “mouthing off”. Brie had a lot mommy & daddy issues. In school, Brie was a gossip queen. Brie told lies, spread stories, started fights, went anon-stalker crazy online, and even blackmailed someone once. Brie exploited people’s secrets, played people against each other and broke up perfectly good friendships over lies. Brie revenge fucked other guys just to get back at the one guy who really loved her whenever they would fight. No shit, Brie was voted class Drama Queen in the Senior Yearbook. And the crown fit.
And after high school, Brie went to college, where Brie skipped class. Brie partied. Brie dressed like a ho. Brie popped pills. Brie smoked pot. Brie drove drunk (twice!) and couldn’t remember how she made it home. Brie dropped out of college. And once Brie became a mom, her priorities after her first born still sucked. Brie made an ass of herself on the internet before hundreds of other pissed off military spouses, and had to hide for almost a year to escape the fallout and embarrassment of the situation. Brie felt disconnected from her daughter, and struggled with the thought of suicide when pregnant with her second child because she was terrified of him, too. Brie was weak. Brie trusted all the wrong people. Brie was sexually assaulted because Brie put herself in a compromising position. Brie hated herself for that, and all the other bad shit that had happened, and knew that it was her own damn fault. Then Brie woke up one day in early 2012, had a Britney Spears worthy breakdown, went to the salon, had her head shaved, threw out most of her old clothes, bought $300 worth of new mom-appropriate ones, and said “I will never be this person again. I’m Gabby now.”
But people have been making it really difficult to feel like a new me, when the name they still throw at me is that of someone I’m trying to bury. You might not have seen every angle, and we might have been friends and had some good times, but when you put it under a microscope, Brie was a really shitty person.
Gabby is trying to be a good mom. Gabby tries to take care of her home, and her children. Gabby tries to stick to her convictions and beliefs. Gabby has recommitted herself to her husband, and seeks forgiveness, not revenge. Gabby, who granted wants to pull her hair out —-but that’s motherhood for you—- looks at her children and cries because she struggles with feeling like she’s good enough for them. But Gabby is trying to get better. And that alone makes her better already. Gabby is going back to college. Gabby stands up for the little guy, and she tries to help the people who are still living & carrying on as she did and show them that it’s just not the way to be. Granted, she cusses like a sailor, but when everything is weighed, all the awards go to Gabby before they go to Brie.
Obviously, the choices I made as Brie will always be a part of me, and as Gabby I will always have a checkered past, but at least, for me, it actually feels like I really am leaving it all in the past. And then all these people still want to call me Brie, and wonder why it sets me off so much.
You don’t understand what it’s like to live with so much hate for yourself—- to have this kind of loathing for everything that you used to be—- to have such regret for bad choices that you cannot erase, and to live with fear that in the deepest parts of you, all those traits probably still exist somewhere and wonder if you’re still capable of those things. I’m in therapy because living with that shit is hard. So don’t expect me to answer to a name that stands for everything I’m trying to leave behind, just because it’s easier for you.
Slightly Awesome 